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Blue Duck's LiveJournal:
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| Friday, September 17th, 2010 | | 4:46 pm |
Puppy is good. that is all. | | Thursday, September 16th, 2010 | | 2:03 pm |
I have now had an intermittent sore throat, sometimes a very bad one, for more than two weeks. J too. Not happy about it. I have been given the go ahead to just take the renovations for the training space into my own hands, which is good and bad. My biggest business weakness is I want to do everything myself and not depend on or ask anything of anyone else. I don't trust others with important tasks, I don't like to admit I can't do something myself, and I hate feeling beholden. Unfortunately, if I don't start involving others in my work, I will never accomplish much. Being that I am about tired of scraping by and want to really start making this thing grow, and have the opportunity presented by having my own space to work with... I need to start getting over it in a big way. So much to do, and many times I want to just throw in the towel and pretend I am content where I am. After all, nothing's going badly right now. I have J, I have my dog, I have a roof over my head and enough clients to keep getting by. But I've never been content with good enough, and there's stuff I want to make happen. I understand that I just have to suck it up and keep slogging through if I want things to happen, and I understand that I do wants to make things happen, even if sometimes it doesn't feel like it. I want to get back into sword, but have been hesitating, lots. I've been pretty much completely away from it for over a year now. The wounds aren't fresh now; but they're there and I am quite afraid to reopen them. But there's also a lot of passion missing from my life - I put most of it into that previously and since I gave it up have been feeling too often flat and lifeless. I sort of cut off a part of myself because it was hurting me too much. I kind of want that part back, but am fretting about the stitches. | | Saturday, September 11th, 2010 | | 5:46 pm |
I caught a horrendous cold, after quite a long streak of good health. I have had it for about a week now, and my throat is finally not sore anymore, but the others symptoms are pretty bothersome. I wish it would go away. I was going to interview the first of the possible fitness instructors today, but she was a no-show. I called her 15 minutes after she was supposed to be there, and she said her car had broken down. Now, I am super-sympathetic, but she didn't call, and I could understand if she didn't have my number or whatever, but she didn't say that, nor did she apologize. Perhaps she was just flustered at the car thing, but not a good sign. I told her to email me when she knew what was going on. I haven't decided if I should try giving her another chance or not. The puppy is awesome, but is not well socialized, at all. She is not happy around strangers and usually barks and often snaps if they get too close. I'm considering what, if anything, can be done about it. | | Thursday, September 9th, 2010 | | 2:21 pm |
| | 7:45 am |
the dog
Over the weekend I adopted a dog from the humane society. Why now? Well, I've been a doing a bit of the "why not now?" thing lately. I think it has partly to do with being 30. But anyhow, Gracie was listed on Petfinder and not on the humane society website, so I figured she was gone. I went in anyway on a whim, thinking to just visit the dogs as I've done in the past. She was there after all, and I'd had my interest piqued by her picture and description. I took her for a walk and hung out with her for a little bit, then decided to do it. J came in to confirm he was not going to die of being allergic to her, and I went through the hour or so long adoption process. It was expensive and probably ill-advised, but I've wanted a dog for years, and like people who want children, there's never the perfect time you're always waiting for. I figured I might as well do this thing and have done - make room for her in my life rather than wait for my life to make room. I had an opportunity to do it a few years ago, but the dog was not the right one for me and I'm glad I didn't. It would have been ridiculous trying to live with a large dog in small apartments with me still working full time and additional part time jobs. Now is a better time than that was, and this is a better dog for me. So far, so good. She's a bit high strung, but not unbearably so. She woke me up at 6 this morning to pee, and I didn't actually mind at all because she's so funny and cute. She was listed as a chihuahua, but I'm pretty sure she's half beagle. Her size is about halfway between the two. She's very affectionate and very protective (which is not always good). She loves riding in the car. She hates being left alone in the apartment, but so far has only whined loudly and scratched at the door, not torn anything up or gone to the bathroom where she shouldn't (except for the obligatory first pee in her new home, which I think is a universal dog thing, or possibly a test for new owners). She's about 5 years old and supposedly surrendered because she was jealous of her old owner's kids. I can totally see this being the case. She definitely craves attention. So far, she makes me laugh a lot and I'm really enjoying having her around. She seems to like me, and she's even getting along great with J, which is a big surprise. He normally has no use for dogs and is downright afraid of big ones. But she'll sit on the couch with him and watch him play video games quite happily, and he'll pet her while we watch tv at night. He's even okay with her barking when she does. It's not loud enough to freak him out or high-pitched enough to be completely irritating. And she doesn't do it constantly - only when she runs across someone she doesn't know or like. For the first day I had her she didn't bark at all. Currently, she's curled up in my houseguest's laundry basket on the edge of sleep - she seems to always want to at least be in the same room with me. Better an affectionate dog than an indifferent one, I think, so I'm good with it. | | Monday, August 30th, 2010 | | 8:28 am |
Yesterday I purchased (all from craigslist): - a recumbant bike - a weight bench - a squat rack - a curl bar, olympic bar, and another crappy bar that came with the other two - a bunch of plates, some nice, others the crappy plastic covered cement ones, which I will try to sell - a pair of PowerBlock dumbbells - adjustible from 5-45 pounds. (excited about this space and cost-saving option - I could have spent $450 or more on seperate dumbbells and had to store them all - these are compact and cost $175 used) - an upright bike that is ugly as sin, for $10 which I intended to take home for my own use... but I was informed by the guy who sold me the powerblocks that it's kind of a collector's thing and worth up to $250. I picked up the bikes in Tecumseh and got to see a bunch of parachuters. The homeowners told me stories of several who've landed badly over the years they've been there. This curbed my desire to go do that asap. :) | | Wednesday, August 18th, 2010 | | 10:51 am |
I'm trying to write my essay for the black belt test. I can't keep the sarcasm out. I've been through so many more "real" ordeals than this giant orchestrated thing - I just want it over with and not to have to go through the pain in the ass contrived hoops. I'm supposed to be all awed and proud of myself after it's done. I know what I know, I know what I can do, and a huge long hot, miserable day isn't going to prove anything. On one hand, this is major life progress. On the other, my tolerance for ordeals has gone way, way down. | | Thursday, August 12th, 2010 | | 3:09 pm |
So, I decided to quit the fitness studio. I only have a couple clients left there... they tend to have low re-up because it's too damned expensive and not terribly well run. Example. Yesterday, I ask the office manager "Are we out of cleaning fluid? It's getting low in the bottles and I can't find the refill." Manager: "what, are we out?!" Other trainer "yes. We've been out for while. We've been putting Windex in the cleaner bottles." At this point, I recall asking the office manager to get us more cleaning fluid a couple of months ago, and if we have been out that long, she must have been oblivious or ignoring it for the entire time. This happens a lot with supplies we need. Of course, it could be because the company's broke. My client who has her last session there tomorrow sent me an article this morning stating that the building, which is owned by the people who manage the studio, has been ordered sold by judge due to outstanding bills. My first response was to laugh. My last day is next Wednesday. After that... on to the more uncertain world of my own business, which is picking up and has a good opportunity to form a small studio inside the new karate school, though ths may come with indentured servitude which I'm not exactly thrilled about. Gonna see what I can do about that. | | Friday, July 30th, 2010 | | 2:06 pm |
Business thing resolved for the moment, not the way I wanted it to be, but I'm glad for the certainty, anyway. They're not selling in the aforementioned timeframe after all. If they're telling the truth about reasons, I'm not thrilled about it in a business sense. But whatever. maybe at some point, and for now I'll focus on my own business. I want to launch a bunch of fitness classes with the hope of getting that started and rolling and then getting into my own facility in the same complex. First, we get the current facility moved over (next month), get the kids through testing, I get through my own black belt test, and I recertify for ACE, then we'll work on launching that. Somewhere in there, perhaps during the rec center annual shutdown, a trip to the challet. Cuz I could really use it. | | Wednesday, July 28th, 2010 | | 3:26 pm |
Does anyone local desire any of the following fragrances? Otherwise, I'm throwing them out... Halle by Halle Berry Green Tea Scent by Elizabeth Arden Curve by Liz Claibourne I'm cleaning and getting rid of stuff.... maybe more stuff to post later! | | Tuesday, July 27th, 2010 | | 11:59 am |
I haven't been posting much. I am still sort of trying to come back to life. My world right now is alternately extremely stressful and uncertain, and relatively happy. Things with J are pretty good, the old unresolved issues of like, a future, remain, but I'm at reasonable peace with them for the moment and the relationship itself is good. The unresolved possible business purchase looms. I want to know what's actually going on so I can move forward with or without it, and more and more the owners act contrary to what owner A had said, which is the business is for sure going to be sold, preferably by December. Neither owner is terribly committed to the business right now which is not helpful; if I'm going to be in charge I need to actually be empowered to make certain decisions asap, and that doesn't appear terribly forthcoming. For now, I'm there as much as humanly possible, forming relationships, honing skills and remaining patient. A break from the day to day grind came in the form of a wedding of a very good friend on Saturday. It was beautiful, and emotional, and fun. There was a point in the day when I said to myself, "wow, this is too stressy, I don't think this is worth it, really." (I was not myself super stressed, but I could see the toll on others who had ben run a little ragged.)And there was a time later, after I alternately laughed and cried while the bride walked down the aisle beaming, clearly the happiest I've ever seen her, that I said to myself "wow, this was totally worth everything everyone went through to get here." Later, reflecting, I also realized that currently I'm not emotionally.... healed? mature? enough to handle a wedding as well as she did, with the result that she was able to so fully bask in the radiance of the day and its meaning. Personally I know that I would stress out, kill the buzz of everyone around me, and ruin everything. That tends to be how I operate. So, while I loooove weddings and have fantasized about one for a long time like most American women, I am coming to believe that I may never have one, and that that may be for the best. | | Friday, July 23rd, 2010 | | 11:51 am |
I made a mistake on Tuesday and got talked to by teacher / boss. Not a huge deal but he was very "dissapointed in me". Which is like, the worst. I've been walking around for the last several days just waiting to screw something up or for someone else to screw something up that I theoretically should have fixed before it became an issue and get... what? Talked to? Beat up? Fired? I don't even know. Free-floating anxiety is the worst kind. And I thought I was over this kind of crap. | | Monday, July 19th, 2010 | | 7:12 am |
I've been slowly cleaning / organizing the apartment. This has involved the purchase of a bunch of various storage / organizer containers from Target, which seems to help a lot. The bathroom has been in good shape for a couple weeks now (thought I need to actually scrub it now that it's organized the way I want and stable that way). The kitchen and office are not 100%, but perhaps 85%. The bedroom is still a disaster area, and the living room is at about 60%. I feel much better when my surroundings are neat and pleasant and they've been quite bad for awhile. It's kind of stressful to be trying to make them all better - overwhelming. But I think the end result will be good, if I can get there. | | Saturday, July 17th, 2010 | | 1:55 am |
I'm intensely frustrated right now. There is not enough time, sleep or money to go around, and I am often surrounded by people who have these in spades and take it for granted, even unto squandering. | | Thursday, July 15th, 2010 | | 3:32 pm |
Extent of the back taxes was larger than thought, so effectively all the retirement check is being eaten by that and catching up on other stuff. At least now I'm mostly caught up. I'm considering whether to quit the fitness studio. I despise it more and more. I make about $450 a month from it which is not something I want to easily toss aside. But my fucked up, choppy schedule from hell is partly ther fault, I'm sick of driving to yet another location, wearing a stupid uniform and getting chewed out when I don't, having to do shit I don't think should be my job when I'm giving more than half my trainer fee for office management, and having them drop crap on me that makes me late for my personal clients. Not to mention they expect me to be at a 7am meeting on Saturday once a month. I am indordinately bugged by all of this, and I wonder if the frustration is really worth the cash. Some of this would all be mitigated if I end up purchasing the afforementioned business, which if I do I will quit the studio immediately. But a) the situation is schizo and keeps dancing back and forth between nearly done deal and insurmountable issues and b) even if it happens it won't happen until at least december, oh and c) I'd have to find a loan, and I'm honestly afraid to even start looking at this point, even though the business is already comfortably profitable. I also have a big fat goose-egg for a down payment. I'm very frustrated today. | | Tuesday, July 13th, 2010 | | 7:34 am |
$$ :) $$
Yes! got the retirement account check. Gonna deposit it today then catch up on every overdue bill, pay my back taxes, and then stick the rest aside for either credit card debt *or* a down payment for purchasing the business I may end up purchasing. Can't elaborate on that right now, will update if it happens. :) | | Tuesday, July 6th, 2010 | | 2:25 pm |
a bloody morning
Needed a first aid kit for the first time in a session today. Nothing big, just a couple of scratches, but older skin can be fragile and this sweet older lady just started *gushing* from not one, but two scabs she managed to scratch on a machine. She was totally cool about it, she didn't seem to get the "keep pressure on it" concept. She kept taking the paper towels and mopping at the blood, then setting them down on the bench while I tried not to make it look like bio-hazard central in the county rec building. :P I also saw a cat get hit by a car. It ran out into the middle of the road and I don't think the car could have avoided it, but I don't know that the driver tried very hard. I stopped to see if it might be saved or at least notify any owners, and it spent about 30 seconds just thrashing like crazy. Once I got to it, it twitched a couple times and it was gone. Probably for the best, really, but sad. The driver of the car didn't even slow down. The cat had no collar but looked well fed and non-scruffy. It had big green eyes that stayed open as the life went out of them. | | Monday, July 5th, 2010 | | 8:00 pm |
I begin to think that marriage is an outdated concept, and that legally maybe there should be some sort of status that says "this is my current significant other, until we say otherwise, and all rights of inheritance and hospital visitation and stuff should be granted, but if we decide it's not working out anymore this is the way our property and any offspring should be divided." | | Sunday, July 4th, 2010 | | 5:22 pm |
I've managed to have a day off today, which was needed. This past week has been very busy. I can't talk much about it yet, but a building for my business may not be far off after all. This is exciting and scary and I have a lot to figure out, but it just might be a good direction for things to go. I started a retirement account yesterday with birthday money; at the same time I'm in the process of cashing out my old one that was employer furnished. There are large tax penalties for it, but I talked to a financial advisor through the credit union ad he agreed that if I can put 100% of what I get out of it toward high interest debt, I'll be coming out ahead. And since that money was just sitting there not doing much and I'm starting to save on my own (Roth IRA), I'm not too worried about it. I have 4 new fish: 3 platys of various small sizes and a Glo-fish that J picked out. They are pretty cool. And I got them from Fish Doctors, which I didn't know existed till yesterday but came highly recommended and seems like it will have a much better success rate than Meijer or Petco. | | Friday, June 25th, 2010 | | 5:01 pm |
30th birthday passed without much bang. Back to work, and back to trying to make my life a lot more awesome than it has been this past couple years. Some progress has been made. I still feel very behind where I was. |
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